My G I’ve been through some hella ish in the last (3) months. The so-called Christmas season according to the larger community is supposed to be joyful. Yeah, right!! I took it upon myself to confront some deep personal issues that have, honestly, hindered my personal growth as a man. At 45 years old, after a divorce, 6.2 kids, and a new fiance, I got baggage brotha!However about (4) months ago I decided, again, I decided to no longer be hindered by my baggage, but lift myself up out of a damn near depressing life.I emphasize that “I” decided to lift myself up because I’ve come to learn that it’s not anyone’s responsibility to make sure I’m good (period)! So I took some time to “lay-low,” and do some “reflection.” The major hurdle I kept running into during this time of reflection was that I was harboring hurtful experiences from the past. The people involved in those harmful experiences were living their lives, while I was “stuck” (in my feelings) over some ish that in the grand scheme of things added nothing to my life. I was perpetuating a cycle of self-infliction that hindered my forward progress as a man.I wanted to break that ish from my life, and be free! I had finally gotten to a place where I wanted to be free more than I feared confronting the BS that I used as an excuse to “f” up my life. I knew that I couldn’t just have a break though in my mind, and “do” nothing to realize real change in my life. So, I confronted the ish!
I realized that over my life, I had allowed myself to be dependent on people’s approval for validation. Although I had learned to “pretend” I was confident, and internally solid, I simply learned how project strength. I learned how to “become all things to all people” to gain their approval to “feel” accepted and validated. I learned that “ish” growing up in a single parent household from a momz that “demanded” I do what the “f” she said do, with no question! That brand of parenting never reinforced independence, nor confidence in me. I felt that if I didn’t gain my mother’s approval by her validating my actions, then that must mean I’m wrong. And if I’m wrong, then she was obviously right for being angry at my inability to please her. So, I learned early that my role in relationships with people, in particular women, is to always gained their approval (love) by submitting to their demands. I don’t blame her, now, but I’ve struggled to get free from that ish! As a result I’ve carried that brokenness into every relationship I’ve had in my life. I’ve never, until now, been able to confront that ish! I was in the church for 20 years, became an ordained clergyman, and still couldn’t get healed, even with white Jesus!
So, I let it all go! When I say all, I mean all! Sitting in my momz shed, 1 o’clock in the morning, in 40 degree temperature, I let my past go! Everything, the hurt, the pain, the embarrassment, the guilt, the frustration, the anger, the lies, the pretending, the need for approval, and most importantly the fear!“I” decided that I was in control, and I was going to decide what my life is going to be (period)! So, over the next couple of weeks I started working through my issues one at a time. I had to make some difficult phone calls to people, I’ve had to call some creditors, I’ve had to disassociate myself from people (including family), I’ve had to hurt folks feelings, I’ve had to prioritize myself first above everybody, and I’ve had to be brutally honest with myself about who I really am, and not who I “imagine” that I am. Inevitably I’ve had to deal with consequences that I’ve ran from as well. All that ish started coming out! And I’ve dealt with it! Although it don’t always “feel” good to deal with negative consequences, I’m handling that ish with confidence. Because now I know that my past doesn’t define me. I don’t need another person’s approval to validate my life! There’s going to be ups and downs in life. That’s just what it is! I can’t escape my past, but I can build a better future. Now, I fuck with myself, strong! I’m discovering that I’m a pretty dope dude, and I’ve been sitting on some real treasures within myself! I’m growing more excited about my new trajectory in life, and more importantly finally able to let the past go!
What's good fam!!! I'm a divorced father of (8), and currently engaged to the most beautiful joint I've every seen! Let me break it down (6) kids are my bio-seedlings, and the other (2) sweet-hearts belong my soon-to-be wife! I'm an entrepreneur (hustler), and author. Fatherhood is my calling and passion. This blog is for My G's that hold it down for their "blended" fam, but haven't taking them nuptials. I'm all about empowering fathers and building strong families!