Don’t Judge Me…You’re Raising Another Dude’s Kid Too!
December 20, 2018
Reading Time: 4minutes
I was traveling with my Pops the other night to pick up my oldest son from college. Traffic was super crazy, so I had time to get some work done! While I was scheduling my posts, Pops and I got into a “real” discussion about “cohabitational” fatherhood.As we were talking I realized that “cohabitational” dads don’t get the same respect as married fathers. I understand that society, in general, views a man cohabitating with a woman while fathering “her” kids as transient (in the hood…a “pimp”)! But to keep it one hun’ed, my hood had plenty of households with men raising kids that didn’t belong to him.A lot of my friends had dudes who was not their daddy bringing them to football practice, playing basketball at the court, and giving them money to get food at the Colonial Boys Club! And I never heard them say s#%t like “that ain’t my daddy” (unless they were getting their a$$ whipped), and then O’Boy was a n!gg@ their momz was with! (ya feel me?!) It’s so interesting to me that in the Black Community, cohabitational fatherhood is so prevelent, but is so dismissed as “legitimate” parenting. If it wasn’t for cohabitational fathers, a great deal of our youth wouldn’t have any fatherly influence. Don’t get me wrong, I respect men who have difficult co-parents, but still are involved on some level. But let’s not get it twisted, the consistent “presence” of a father is his greatest contribution. So while there are bio-dads that are still “around,” cohabitational fathers are taking up a lot of “slack!”Ironically, a lot of us, PreNup Pops, are in dual roles! We’re working just as hard, if not harder, than most married fathers. (let’s get into it!)
I told my dad that one of the biggest issues I had with being a cohabitational father was the lack of understanding (from outside my crib) of what “truly” is my position. If a dude don’t see a ring on your lady’s finger, he automatically assumes she’s “available.” Same thing with the baby-dads dawgg. My G, it’s a total lack of respect between us men when it comes to our women. I mean, I understand that (we) have mutual interest that overlap with the mother, but dawgg she ain’t property!If we be straight up, the disrespect really is about p#$$y rights, not custody rights! Which is sad, because it’s the kids that get caught up in BS that grown a$$ men should be able to handle. So instead of focusing on how to be an effective fathering (team), we holdin our d!ck$ in front of the kids looking like Class A a$$e$!
My dad and I discussed how we’ve both had to go to the extreme just to establish understanding about our positions as cohabitational fathers. The …thirst is so real ouchea that bros are “shooting their shot,” and not giving 2 s#%ts about if that mother is with someone or not! But somehow the ring, and not the man (standing right next to her) is symbolically more respected! If there is a person that should be in a n!gg@’s (cohabitational father’s) corner, it should be the (dad) who displaced himself from his post! Let’s stop beefin‘ with each other, and understand the importance of (both) our positions, so we can father these kids with excellence!
I knew the conversation with Pops got real when he recounted (for the 100th time) a story of how he to had to get at his lady about how she used to conduct herself around other men, especially her kid’s father. It’s a great deal of pressure put on our Queens to manage the relationships they have with other men when she is not “married” to the cohabitational father, nor bio-dad! Most of that pressure is generated by men (fathers) that have relationship aspirations that are masked as fatherly “acts.” Real talk, most bros really just want to (see) if they can keep the “cohabitational father from (taking) their place! I had one father tell me that my lady could tell him to “f#%k off, but not me!” His kid’s mother, whom was living with me, was the least of his concerns at that point! There was a tremendous amount of pressure levied against my lady to “referee” between two “fathers” about access to (her) life. While this man was expressing his discontent for my “presence” as a cohabitational father, it caused my lady to contemplate the legitimacy of my position because of tension, not relevance. The more we are able to alleviate the pressure our Queens have to contend with as mothers, the more we she can advocate (publicly) for our position as cohabitational fathers (assuming “she is” a Queen, and not a THOT!) – ijs!
When I’m out in public with the kids, I don’t think about their last name. I’m a man, and don’t f#%k around when it comes to the kids. But it saddens me that more cohabitiaional dads aren’t proud of their role as fathers. I get it! I know it “ain’t” popular to claim daddy to another man’s kids. I know the stigma that is associated with a dude that lives with a woman and her kids.I mean, that ain’t gonna stop me from being an excellent dad, but I can see the issue some “claim” to have.
But while some are judging me, I’m going to parent/teacher conferences, I’m providing household order and structure, I’m instilling discipline, I’m teaching entrepreneurship, I’m cooking dinner and having family time, I’m whoopin a$$ when they get out of line, I’m supporting their mother, and I’m protecting them from a world that tells them their illegitimate!
I’m not mad, nor have some type of chip on my shoulder (anymore)! I’m proud of my family, and all our of kids. I work my a$$ off to provide for them. We’ve had our ups and downs as a (cohabitational) family, but we’re still together (strong)! So while some of my “slower” n!gg@s are still judging, keep that in mind, while the (cohabitational father) is spending your child support on “y’all’s” daughter! – Holla at me!
What's good fam!!! I'm a divorced father of (8), and currently engaged to the most beautiful joint I've every seen! Let me break it down (6) kids are my bio-seedlings, and the other (2) sweet-hearts belong my soon-to-be wife! I'm an entrepreneur (hustler), and author. Fatherhood is my calling and passion. This blog is for My G's that hold it down for their "blended" fam, but haven't taking them nuptials. I'm all about empowering fathers and building strong families!