First off, I didn’t leave my wife to be with my “side chic!” I want to get that ish straight off the top. Secondly, my marriage was “done” long before I got involved with my then “side chic” who is now my fiance. Third, my happiness, and who I chose to be with is my damn business! The truth of the matter for me is that my “Ex” was not a very good wife! I’m so tired of seeing good brothas suffer in broken marriages, and be in agony about dissolving the family, because of the public scrutiny that’s assigned to the perpetrators of “divorce.” Listen to me, and listen to me good – “Ain’t Nobody Coming” to fix your damn marriage (period)! And it don’t take years to determine if the marriage is salvageable. I want to see My Gs value themselves enough to demand what they deserve, and have the resolve to not allow their responsibility as a husband destroy their sensibility as a man! There is no “wife” on this earth, that is worth the time that is wasted from your life, due to her negligent unwillingness to contribute to your purpose for existing in this world. And trust me My G, if your “wife” doesn’t want to invest in you on that level, I guarantee you there is a woman who will (gladly)!
Year nine and ten was the worst years of my marriage. We went through some very tremulous times. All the while I remained faithful. Despite feeling under-valued, and unappreciated for my devotion as a husband, I still stayed true to the game. I was a young Minister at the time, and never gave into the temptation to indulge in many offers by women of the congregation. I also worked as an instructor at a Community College, and denied explicit advances by female students as well as several beautiful professional women at the college. I don’t care if it was my responsibility or not, I’m still a man. I was neglected sexually, and personally for years. But still remained faithful, while my ex-wife took for granted my fidelity. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to leave, and stayed because I didn’t want to be responsible for hurting my kids. I was suffering internally, and losing my identity for the sake of my fam. And each year I did that ish, I felt less than a man, and more like a slave! I went to work everyday, paid bills, took care of my kids, and got rewarded with no p%$$y, no companionship, no closeness, and no drive. The only thing we worked hard together on was the kids. Our s#%t was done, and we BOTH knew it!
We couldn’t seem to resolve our issues internally, so I asked for counseling. We were Ministers at a local church at that time, so naturally I wanted our Pastor to conduct the counseling. But my ex-wife didn’t like the Pastor’s wife, and didn’t feel she (they) could offer “us” any real assistance. I was livid because I was so close to my Pastor, and trusted his leadership. Despite my disappointment, and frustration, I suggested the Lead Elders of the church, who were the heads of the marriage ministry, conduct the counseling. She didn’t want counseling from them either! So I suggested a good friend of mine who had recently started his own church. I knew he was a man of integrity, and I could trust his judgement. She didn’t want counseling from them either because they had left our church to start their church, and didn’t want us to be “caught up” in the controversy. That was a turning point in the marriage, and the beginning of the end for me. I finally allowed myself to acknowledge the degree of selfishness my ex-wife had been displaying for years. If she didn’t love me enough to get counseling, then I had to “re-learn” how to love myself enough to move on!
We remained together for another seven years. I continued to isolate myself in the marriage while trying to figure out how to co-exist with a women I knew didn’t love me. I struggled for years because I couldn’t fathom leaving my kids. We continued to grow apart over the next several years. I became numb to the fact that our relationship wasn’t vibrant. I learned how to acquiesce, and go with flow. I became a shell of who I am today. I pursued Pastoral Ministry thinking that would give my life significance again. I immersed myself into planting my own church. But it only revealed to the true brokenness of the marriage. I longed for true companionship. I felt used – by my ex-wife, my kids, even my former Pastor. I felt like God had punished me for bustin’ my a$$ to be faithful for years to take care of a women who didn’t give 2 s#%ts about me. The real truth of the matter is she was never with me from the beginning. She never appreciated, nor had enough vision to see the “true” man that I was becoming. There was no amount of work I could do to earn her devotion and love. She stayed in the marriage to benefit her a$$, and take advantage of the security created by my hard work. Then, used my faithfulness to sustain her selfish ways, and blamed me for finally standing up for myself as man!
I went through a great deal of depression. It was hard to accept that I lost almost two decades of my life to a failed marriage. In year 16 of the marriage I got involved with a woman I used to work with. We never had sex, but we had some “physical” involvements. I will never forget her. She was the first woman outside my ex-wife that I collapsed all of my personal restraints that sustained me for years because she listened to me “talk.” We used to travel to Richmond quarterly for managerial meetings at the corporate head quarters. We would talk for hours. I enjoyed her conversation, and we could relate so well to each other. She really wasn’t my type, but she was so chill. I even told my ex-wife about her, and how things between us had become physical. The only thing my ex-wife was concerned about was getting the woman fired, or me quitting the job. She didn’t give 2 s#%ts about me, nor the fact that “neglect” in the marriage was the root cause for the inappropriate behavior. Even though, I apologized and asked for forgiveness, I hated my ex-wife for that, and I decided then in my heart I was out.
Regardless of how my fiance and I started our relationship, my marriage was already done! I just didn’t have the courage, nor fortitude to execute my complete independence from the marriage. I allowed my commitment to my “wife” to overlook the “woman” she truly was. I remained committed to the idealof marriage, while forsaking the purposeof marriage. My G, never let the true intentions of your heart, and your bravery to uphold the convictions of your life, deny the very life you seek for yourself. There is no “wife” that can truly satisfy your desire for self attainment, and true freedom, which can only emanate from within. My G, live your best life by prioritizing yourself first. Then and only then can you love a “wife” without depleting yourself.
What's good fam!!! I'm a divorced father of (8), and currently engaged to the most beautiful joint I've every seen! Let me break it down (6) kids are my bio-seedlings, and the other (2) sweet-hearts belong my soon-to-be wife! I'm an entrepreneur (hustler), and author. Fatherhood is my calling and passion. This blog is for My G's that hold it down for their "blended" fam, but haven't taking them nuptials. I'm all about empowering fathers and building strong families!