Parental equity in a blended family is tough to acquire. There are so many issues and circumstances to consider. Not to mention bio-dads that may not still be on board with their child being parented by some other dude. As a PreNup Pops I have been allowed, on some levels, to be a parent to my step seedlings. It’s a fine line between parent and glorified baby sitter. The moment the kids or their mother don’t like, disagree or becomes uncomfortable about something, things can get unfairly polarized real fast! The challenge to me is being brutally honest about parenting and the role each parent involved will occupy. If there is no true honesty nor authentic interest in blending parental responsibilities of the kids, there will always be confusion and dumb a$$ arguments! The fact of the matter is parenting requires time, and time cost. Whichever parent is willing to “invest” the most time at the “highest” cost, is the parent that determines the priority of the other involved parents. And that’s where all s#%t breaks out! Every parent involved “feels” entitled to their (space), but every parent doesn’t invest equally. Whenever there is entitlement without equal investment, there will always be manipulation and fights for control.No parent, including myself, wants to feel s#%ted on in the least way. But I ain’t the ONE, and as long as the kids live with me I will be s#%t free!
The first year of living with my (now) fiance, and her 2 girls was extremely difficult. I was in the mist of a costly divorce that prohibited me from supporting ALL of the financial cost of my new situation. I call it a situation because we (my girlfriend at the time) hadn’t really determined what to call what we were doing. Was it cohabitation, a conditional arrangement or just a figure it as we go type of thing? But what I did know for sure is that I was instantly a full-time parenting support. I “invested” quite a bit of time in caring for (her) girls. Despite the fact that I was going through financial challenges, I still had enough means to take care of her girls immediate needs. Additionally, I provided care for the girls where their momz and their fathers care stopped. Which in most cases, in my opinion, I provided the “bulk” of the care. But I received the least amount of consideration when it came to decision making in importantparental matters. My parental equity was clearly less than the baby-dads, but my work load was considerably greater. I never attempted to take the dads place, that would’ve been petty and f’d up.But I knew my girlfriend and the baby-dads understood my contribution far exceeded their investment. They were playin’ me, and I knew it – hell we ALL knew it! But no one wanted to have that “real” conversation about who was playing what role, and who more importantly was going to “pay the cost” for that role. Whenever money is tight, and anything is said about money, folk get quiet real quick!But time don’t stop, cost keep accumulating and s#%t keeps pilling up!
It took me a while, but I started realizing that the kids weren’t the true priority. It was the MONEY! I used to feel that if a man will “let” you pay for his kid’s needs, without any effort to initiate some agreement then he’s a b#%tch a$$ and doesn’t deserve any parental rights.But I soon realized that not every man’s parental fortitude is “equitable.” (We) as men have to develop our own fatherhood to whatever degree (we) determine is required. Every man doesn’t believe that his brand of fatherhood requires the same degree of effort as another dad! Even if there is another “father” involved with (our) kids. I can’t make another man be the type of father I think he should be with “his” kid. That’s that man’s choice! But what I can do is remove myself from the s#%t pile that I allowed to form on me. I don’t have to shovel s#%t for another dad. I got enough responsibility with my own bio-kids. I’m learning that blending doesn’t always mean sharing. Sometimes as a PreNup Pops you have to be OK with other brands of fatherhood. The best option is to let bio-dads be responsible for caring their own s#%t – at whatever level that is! So until that time comes when (we) as dads can rectify differences in fatherly responsibility, so that there is unity and no ego trippin, that s#%t can pile up high as they want – on their damn side of the fence!
What's good fam!!! I'm a divorced father of (8), and currently engaged to the most beautiful joint I've every seen! Let me break it down (6) kids are my bio-seedlings, and the other (2) sweet-hearts belong my soon-to-be wife! I'm an entrepreneur (hustler), and author. Fatherhood is my calling and passion. This blog is for My G's that hold it down for their "blended" fam, but haven't taking them nuptials. I'm all about empowering fathers and building strong families!